So a few months back my helper Drew and I tiled a "hoarder House". Now I don't know how many of you have watched the show Hoarders. For those who haven't seen the show basically it is about people who have a serious problem and do not throw out ANYTHING. Well we came across such a place in Barrie, Ontario, Canada and my helper Drew wrote a story about it. Any tile setters who have worked in a dirty place will get a kick out of this. Enjoy.

Bill





The Hoarder House
By Drew Fisher

(the following epic poem/nursery rhyme/Pulitzer Prize winner, is based on and inspired by true events and Dr Seuss. For added effect while reading sit a garbage bag next to you for smell and play Spiders by System of a Down quietly in the background. Enjoy).
 
There are many gigs in tile setting
That we would all be better forgetting
We have done homes where the owner would hover
or the potaetoe farm where the wife wanted me as her lover
Italian women with their stupid requests
Or being left alone with a daughter who has lovely breasts
Theres Bradford where we tiled a blatant grow-op
And just last week the home of my ex girlfriends cop
It seems there is never a dull moment in this career
But after this week, well I need a beer
 
For those who don't know, I work as a tile setter
And when it comes to grouting theres nobody better
The sky was blue as I took tiles off the truck
We had no idea how bad this job would suck
We unlocked the front door as Bill checked his work order
And we took our first steps in to the home of the hoarder
 
The door swung wide in to a pile of junk which also fell in more junk
And the house quickly filled with the aroma of skunk
I tell you right now we had never smelled such a funk
Quite at the level of how this place stunk
 
"Bill I am scared" was all I could say
As my boss moved some garbage out of our way
"this is gross, and I am scared too
but theres money to be made so come along Drew"
 
The atmosphere of this house gave me chills
As Bill examined open unmarked bottles of pills
He said to me "Drew we gotta get this done quick
Because frankly this place is making me sick"
 
There were boxes all over and newspapers piled six feet high
If you were in there too long you surely would die
Let me explain the sights that we saw
For some of these things put me in awe
Tub full of underwear
You gotta love that
Two litter boxesBut there was no cat
Various bagels all over the floor
A glass of piss stood against the bedroom door
Sinks that looked like hampster cages
Not whole books, only loose pages
Clothes and plates were scattered around
The mice in the walls made a hell of a sound
Used tampons are a wonderful sight
Old Halloween costumes to give us a fright
Soiled mattresses against the wall
Empty fish tank in the hall
And someone had been using the couch as a bed
Being in this house made me wish I was dead
 
Still we did the work and we did it well
Cause each tile we installed was like a step out of hell
On the plus side the home owner was not there
Bill was concerned with a grind, I said "I don't think they'll care"
 
I was pleased that I wasn't in this alone
Until Bill had to do a backsplash and said "grout on your own"
 
When I pulled up this morning there was a car in the drive
It boggled my mind that someone was inside alive
I rang the doorbell but there was nobody home
So I got the key and inside I did roam
I announced I was there but nobody replied
Based on the smell I assumed they had died.
I walked through the house swiping spiders off my head
When I glanced in a room to the right, there in the bed
In between piles of things that she kept
Right in the middle the home owner slept
So I grouted that basement as fast as I could
And then I heard a creak in the wood
I was on all fours and covered in mortar
When for the first time my eyes met the Hoarder
 
You would think she would mention what she thought of the job
Or maybe an apology for being a slob
Maybe make an excuse like "Oh I just haven't unpacked
Thats why all this garbage is stacked"
 
But she said not a word and then just walked away
I sat puzzled and mustered "O-kay..."
 
I grouted that house as fast as can be
Bill showed up and brought me coffee
Then we rushed out of there and closed the door
Thrilled that we wouldn't be there any more
It was creepy, it was dirty, it should be burned down
I can assure you its the filthiest joint in this town
 
Hoarding is gross, please throw away your old stuff
Cause these poor tile guys have had enough
 
 
A Drew Fisher Joint

I sometimes worry, because I can't seem to part with my scrap pieces of wood. I have a shed full of "future projects" but I see I have a long ways to go toward hoarder status. Thanks for sharing.

Great Poem, but are you really that desperate for work?

Haha well the job itself was a basement that had flooded so it was an insurance job. The restoration company cleaned the 800ft basement before we got there. It was the upstairs that was the problem. Haha

Hey Bill!

Aren't ya glad you got into this business.

Tell Drew I'm going to post this poem on its own page. I think everyone in the trade has had at least one experience similar to this. Very entertaining!

Ya Harry, thanks for the apprenticeship....... Haha

Thanks for the info.